haroth

The way things were

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 00:43:06 GMT

Once upon a time, there was a kid..
a kid who had very few friends
a kid that was too nice
a kid that was too shy
a kid that did the right thing
a kid that never missed a day of school
a kid that never flirted
a kid that never swore
a kid that never drank
a kid that always treated girls with respect
a kid that was lost...........

And now, that kid IS...
a man with very select friends
a man who's too jaded to be nice
a man that's no longer shy
a man that doesn't care about the right thing
a man that won't go back to school
a man that flirts daily
a man that swears everyday
a man that wants to drink everyday
a man that won't waste time on women who don't deserve respect
a man that is still lost...........

Too many times life and events repeat themselves and cause patterns. Can this pattern be stopped? I don't know...sometimes I think, maybe I really did bring all this on myself...and if I did, why? Do I get some twisted pleasure out of seeing myself miserable? Is there a higher power setting me up for failure? Am I a master of excuses? Is my self-loathing so powerful that I'm my own worst enemy?

I'm stuck in my life..a life I don't want..I want something more, and I feel like I'll never get it in this place...but if I leave...does it make me selfish? or afraid? or finally willing to make the sacrifice to leave my comfort zone and take a chance at a positive new beginning? If I leave...where would I go? If I leave, how often will I see my son? What happens to the relationship I have with him? Will his mother help him understand the reasons I left? Will he love me? Will he understand that my life is only lived for him? I barely survive at this point..he deserves sooo much more..and I can't give it to him. Years ago..it would have been simple, but I feel I'm too old to start all over again for...what? the Fourth time? Good god....THAT is the pattern that has to change...I need a guarantee..something that will asure me that the next sacrifice I make won't be in vain, that this one, will be THE ONE.

It's so hard to think clearly anymore...maybe I should go see a doc about puttin me on something...anything...

And a silent prayer will be uttered tonight by me....

So TRUE!

Fri, 18 Jun 2004 22:13:30 GMT

Fri, 18 Jun 2004 22:09:25 GMT

Fri, 11 Jun 2004 01:35:19 GMT

Haroth's LJ stalker is swirvel42!

swirvel42 is stalking you because you made a nasty comment on their LJ. They are also deluded!

LJ Stalker Finder
From Go-Quiz.com

Fri, 11 Jun 2004 01:32:18 GMT

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Sun, 06 Jun 2004 09:43:54 GMT

*Walks UP the DOWN escalator*

Dammit.....I feel like I've been walking for hours and making no progress

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I think I'll catch a nap before church....ahh church....I think I'll put my cat eyes in before I go.....that should be VERY interesting......

Catch YINZ later

Crap-ola

Thu, 03 Jun 2004 03:09:13 GMT

OK, so I've begun to realize that I come to expect a little too much from certain people. A simple thank you can mean the world to one person, and give you a sense of self satisfaction. And on the other hand, some people may not feel the need to thank another because they didn't ASK for anything....well, ok...fine.
*Ranting is over*

Anyway, it's times like this that I wish someone would just rip my damn heart out so I wouldn't have any feelings. Feelings SUCK.....I must learn to distance myself from others...I need to slip back to the old me..one that loves no one and is loved by no one....should be safer for me that way. I dunno, maybe sentimentality is a sign of getting old...or maybe I'm just a sucker...I dunno yet.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, somebody HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*panics*

*sigh* There's only one thing to do in this situation.....
*Goes to find alcohol*

Thu, 27 May 2004 07:05:55 GMT

UCAUTION

IN THE INTEREST OF SAFETY IT IS ADVISABLE TO KEEP HAROTH AWAY FROM FIRE AND FLAMES.

From Go-Quiz.com

I hate

Sun, 23 May 2004 02:54:29 GMT

HATE

Such a strong word...HATE. It's not to be used lightly, just like the word LOVE. How can someone say they LOVE you, and then treat you so badly? If that's LOVE then I don't need it. I've come to the conclusion that the saying; You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make her drink", describes a current stresser in my life, so I've decided to leave it be. Normally I don't give up so easily, but when you come up against a brick wall, over, and over, and over, and OVER AGAIN! You eventually take the hint, THUS I've decided to say "fuck it" and that's that.
But anyway, It gets more and more easy for me to HATE, I HATE people, I HATE my life, I HATE the shit I have to deal with and I HATE being alone. Anybody have any idea as to how I can fix this shit? I mean why is it, that if there's someone out there for everyone, I CAN'T FIND HER?!?!?! That shit's frustrating, I really don't know why I get so hung up on this particular subject in my life. Am I really that desperate and pathetic? Guess so...it seems I didn't really make the transition from "married" to "single" as smoothly as I had thought. I'd like to think that I'm immune to that type of shit, but unfortunatly I'm human, don't want to admit it, but I am. Oh well, time to go..gonna hang at my house and play some KOTOR....

Later

plans

Thu, 20 May 2004 00:56:34 GMT

OK, so I was thinking I should just move away......far far away.....to VA. See, I have a friend who's family owns a sheet metal company and I could work there. PLUS it would give me (another) oppertunity to move away from Pgh. and try and make a life for myself that doesn't end in disaster. I don't think I can stay in Pgh, there's far too much history and stress here that surrounds me. That's not good for anyone. I was talkin to a friend *wink* the other day and it was stated that Pgh is a college town and there aren't many jobs round here that qualify as a career oppertunity. So, I think that's true, so I'm gonna do my best to move on to bigger and better things. Besides, who knows, I may be able to find that special someone for me out there.....YEAH RIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!! What the hell am I thinking???

*shakes away sentimental bullshit*

OK, I'm better now, what the hell was THAT?!?!? Somebody do me a favor, if I ever get like that again, slap me upside me big ass head will ya??? I'm JAY, I refuse to get sucked into the horrible abyss that is known as "matters of the heart". Been there, done that, got fucked, won't do it again.

Well, that's it for me, time to drown my sorrows in alcohol and civ 3.

Later...YINZ

Newbie

Tue, 11 May 2004 03:17:03 GMT

Greetings all,
Tis Jay, (those of you whom know me)
Thought I'd create a profile and hop on the band wagon so here it goes......

My background is "colorful" at best and I have returned to Pittsburgh after many years of being away. I was in the Army for 4 years and now am out and trying to get my life back on track. I was married and I also have a son who will 3 years old this July. Unfortunatly I have yet to see my son but hope to soon. My ex-wife still chooses to cause problems to this day, but I'm sure karma will come back into play in time. But for right now I'm just job huntin and looking for my own place, perhaps the "Ward" house is a possibility in time. But anyway, perhaps I'll post more in time but right now I have nothing to say.

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